rodeokitchen

When we met, you took my breath away. I was at a loss for words. I still am. We were truly a match met in heaven. It was fast and furious, for sure.

After you came into my life, I nary remembered anyone else, especially not any other men! You make me feel like a kid again, or maybe a pre-teen. Ok, sometimes you make me feel very, very old, but most of all, I feel like I am never alone. I feel like I am always with you, watching ‘the Amalia’ do her thing.

I don’t hate you Barry, It’s not that we can’t get along. It’s just that I had plans, big plans, and you came {{CRASHING}} through, with all of your baggage in tow, to live rent free in my head. Unexpected, Uninvited, Unwelcome. You stole my voice and my vision. You turned my ears into parabolic antenna. Your needs, stims, and triggers take over every part of my already neuro-divergent life. Placating you like an infant and hiding you from the crowd is a full time job. Honestly, the most time intensive relationship in which I have ever been involved. I’m learning to do more than tolerate you, which is hopeful, if not ideal.

When we met, I was already in love with another man, I didn’t want anything to do with you. There was someone else I [THOUGHT I] needed to take care of, and you were always so very much in the way. You made absolutely sure I listened to you over anyone else. (Good LAWD, in the most dramatic of ways.) It felt wrong to heed you over the wishes of my husband. Time and again I struggled with what you begged me for and what he wanted. It always felt like cheating. I was never that kind of woman and so, now it’s just you and I. Dare I say, Barry, when I don’t respect you, I am clearly only cheating on myself.

In the beginning, I wished you’d have let me know how long you planned on staying. I wanted to have a going away party for you. “Just wait, when Barry’s gone we will do all the things!” I wanted my old life back in a hurry. They all kept saying “there’s no way he’ll stay longer than 8 to 10 weeks”. Eight weeks turned into a year, and then three more. Now, here I am dedicated to feeding you and coaxing you into submission like a rowdy toucan on the daily.

Will you stay forever, I don’t know? But, I do promise you now; I’ll make sure you’re comfortable while you are here in my noggin of captivity. You’re welcome to stay as long as you like. I can’t control you but I can manage your mood. I’ve gotten accustomed to the ebbs and flow. I’ve been OK with letting you have free range for a few years now. We can still call it southern hospitality all the while knowing it is truly survival of the fittest.

If you, dear reader, haven’t caught on, Barry is the pet name (escape goat?) I gave to my TBI. There is/was a lot of stress surrounding my injury and the cost of my recovery. Often, conversations are necessary to explain how I am feeling or what I need to function. It feels selfish, and it is hard to ask for help. It’s tedious explaining my limitations and abilities. A necessary evil to check in with all the people becomes tiresome. Calling my Brain Injury “Barry” removes the stigma for even a second and lets me be Amalia. Coping mechanism? Absolutely. Necessary? 1000%.

A dichotomy of disability evolves; how do we remain vigilant and proactive while not becoming our diagnosis? Increase visibility yet avoid identifying as our disability? How do we advocate for ourselves without feeling pathetic? How do we educate whilst making people comfortable with the severity of our reality? How do we recover, how do we increase quality of life? HOW DO WE LIVE?????

Barry and I, we have a game plan. We have a playbook, a tool box, and a team. This isn’t the first time I’ve cheated death. Probably, it’s not the first time I’ve met Barry either. Yet, this is where we are and this {HEAR LIFE} is how it’s going. It’s getting easier to use the computer, even if it is a bit difficult to read and write- Aphasia still takes most of my words, and my hands fatigue to noodles fairly easily. However, I also know it won’t be any easier post humously. Today is Wednesday, August 19th, 2021. Thanks for listening! Y’all now on the Rodeo Kitchen Team 🙂